Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Vandalism Update

The Fire Family Living Room, Wednesday evening Crews finished repairing Friday night's bunny vandalism today. After installing new connections, or "rubbers" as wheel-maker Gordon Lendrum termed them, the repair crew added metal springs surrounding each piece, in hopes of thwarting any future attempts at vandalism. "You've got to keep ahead of these rabbits, always fixing and re-enforcing, otherwise the living room could go to hell in a couple of weeks, and that would bring the property value, and the whole neighborhood down faster than you can turn around," said project foreman Joe Sixpack.As crews were cleaning up, someone spotted a rabbit eyeing the new connectors. This reporter was able to get a photo of the rabbit who, in this reporter's opinion, appears to be prime suspect Pepper Fire, out on bail and currently awaiting trial. Pepper's lawyer could not be reached for comment. "We wouldn't have to do so much clean-up if these trouble makers went to jail like they're supposed to, but the bleeding heart lawyers always keep them out. It's a real shame for the neighborhood. This used to be a nice neighborhood," said Sixpack.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Bunny Delinquents Charged With Vandalism

December 14, the Fire family living room. Early yesterday morning, police were summoned to the living room to investigate a reported act of vandalism. Police were led to the spot by distraught owner, Erica Fire. Ms. Fire explained to the officers that she had been giving the living room “a quick tidy” when she initially discovered the damage to her 10 year old Lendrum spinning wheel. “I pulled a cardboard tube that the rabbits had been chewing on out from under the treadle. Normally the treadle wouldn’t have moved, but this time it fell all the way to the floor,” said Fire.

On further investigation she discovered that the connecting piece from the treadle to the footman had been severed. After a brief inspection, Detective David Rodriguez stated with some
certainty that the connection had been chewed, most likely by a lagomorph. Upon further questioning the Fire family revealed that Pepper Fire had been seen lurking in the vicinity about 12 hours before, possibly “casing” the wheel. After her arrest, Pepper went before Judge Richard C. Kloch, where she entered a not guilty plea. Bail is set at 5 carrots, a large broccoli head, and a bale of timothy hay. Charges are pending against her brother Dutch Fire who the police, at this time, characterize as a material witness. Dutch is currently awaiting trial on a previous charge involving several pillows and an expanse of carpeting.

Vandalized spinning wheel causes great distress.

Frank Lipinski, the court appointed lawyer for both rabbits, hopes that he can convince Judge Kloch to go easy on the rabbits, in light of their troubled upbringing. “These aren’t the sort of fluffy bunnies you read about in stories, who come home at night to a mother with chamomile tea and dandelions. These rabbits grew up in squalid conditions, packed in with nearly 50 others, surrounded by excrement, and often going to bed at night hungry. In their short lives they’ve already been diagnosed with e. cunniculli and the snuffles. Even though the SPCA was able to rescue them from these deplorable conditions, and place them with the Fire household, there is no record of psychiatric evaluation or attempts at positive rabbit role modeling for these two. They don’t have the tools to make moral choices right now,” said Lipinski. Neither rabbit could be reached for comment.

Judge Kloch seemed unimpressed. “Yeah, we’ve all got problems,” he said, “but the law applies to all citizens equally, regardless of how many carrots they missed out on as kits.”

A court date is set for January 26th. The courtroom will be closed to cameras and other recording devices. “I don’t want this to turn into another OJ style media circus,” says Kloch.